


It had never been us

by shaardom



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Other, Unresolved Emotional Tension, if that makes any sense, one sided happy ending, really all there is to it, which are pynch and bluesey but ronan and gansey are only mentionned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 04:49:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12226107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaardom/pseuds/shaardom
Summary: In which Blue's relationship with Adam had never gotten better, and she wonders how to heal wounds before everyone suffers from it.---"You're just like Gansey, if not worse." Adam paused. "He needed all of his things under one roof but you— you only need them together, right ?""What nonsense...""Your raven boys."





	It had never been us

**Author's Note:**

> Quite a dark one here. I don't really know what else to say, so, enjoy !

Blue plopped herself on the sofa with a loud sigh. Adam barely looked up from his notes. The Barns were Ronan's and the said person made clear that they're also Adam's. But whenever he's not around, it didn't feel like it at all. Being around Blue is always a bit weird when he's on his own. As though he's not over it yet. Now being around her in the Barns, with no one else around... it feels like being surrounded by strangers. Everything and everyone being their own, or someone else's.

Jesus, she'd hate him forever if she knew about this thought.

"What's wrong ?"

He had to pick up on her obnoxiously loud sigh. She kept sinking in the couch and he wondered if it'll end up swallowing her.

"I wonder how are they doing ?"

Adam knew that she'd rather be around Ronan. There's nothing awkward between them. She gets on his nerves and he keeps threatening her of various things he won't do. Blue asked him to dream her a bunny once. He told her off.

A minute later, they were back at calling each other mate and bro. But that's just how they are.

"Guess they're fine."

"What about you ?"

Adam rubbed his eyes. He had been flipping pages without reading.

"What about me ?"

Being around her feels like rubbing salt on an old wound. It's not painful but it itches. She rephrased her question, unwilling to let him dodge it.

"Are you alright ?"

"Yeah."

He's dating Ronan. Yet even this thought isn't enough to get him back on track. He hurriedly started piling up notes, textbooks and pencils to leave this damned living room. Before making a mistake.

"Wait !"

She caught his shirt. He plopped himself next to her again.

"I don't want our relationship to put a strain on the whole group," she started.

"Neither do I."

"Why is it that we literally can't stay in the same room, just the two of us ?"

He closed his eyes, still seeing the ceiling ornaments in the dark. At this moment, he feels detached from himself, contemplating their slowly decaying group dynamic.

"You know why, Blue."

She inhaled deeply.

"Is that it, then ?"

She didn't want their bond to be weakened on either side.

"What is it about ? What's wrong if we go our separate ways ?"

"I wish to keep living it— whatever keeps us together. Not to reminisce about it."

"You're just like Gansey, if not worse." Adam paused. "He needed all of his things under one roof but you— you only need them together, right ?"

"What nonsense..."

" _Your raven boys._ "

He laughed, finally getting rid of his school supplies. They flooded the small table.

"It's not like that," she mumbled, fiddling with her shirt.

"How, then ?"

"A group of friends. Who made it through highschool and a bunch of other things."

"I don't think so."

Now that he thinks of it, neither of them had formally apologized or forgiven the other for what happened. Blue had hurt him, he also had... and it sort of ended like this.

"I want to end it. Whatever is between us that makes it so... weird."

"It's called emotional baggage and you can't. Not without making it heavier."

He stood up again, ready to leave his work on the table. She held him back him. She had to. Part of him didn't want to leave either, or he would be long gone.

"What if I'm ready to carry something heavier ? I just do not want that peculiar weight."

"You're so selfish," he snapped.

"Tell me about it," she fired back.

He isn't known for his selflessness either. The deal with Cabeswater ? That was for himself. Suffering abuse rather than going to live under Gansey's roof ? Twisted, yet still for himself. Long story short, she has a point.

He turned to face her. It's crazy how he still wants her. How even the thought of betraying Ronan can't get to him.

"What can we do about it, anyway ?"

Here lies the truth. Things are this way and so they'll stay. She stepped closer.

"My curse is over." She paused, searching for a second option which didn't exist. "We can kiss. Just once— then we'll never talk about it again."

Gansey's voice overlapped with hers. She relived this moment in the Pig, when she nearly killed him. When they nearly kissed. Adam suffered from his own demons, the contrast between Ronan's rightfulness and his inner shadows hurting as much as twisting a sword in his own stomach.

"No. We shouldn't do that."

It may work, but he didn't want a heavier emotional baggage. He can barely carry his.

"Gansey would forgive you," Adam explained. "There's a _thin_ chance that Ronan will forgive either of us. But me ?" he grimly asked. "I'll never forgive myself."

"You could live without all this ?"

"There's already nothing left," Adam said, extending his arms to show her a figurative world. His ire turned to wrath as his voice grew quieter with each word. It's not that hard to understand, is it ? "Gansey and you are dating. So are Ronan and I. _Noah is dead._ Henry wasn't even there in the first place. See ? People come and go. Sometimes they walk together for a while. Then they fucking _leave._ "

His point was made. She seemed to shrink on herself, aware of both her ridiculous proposition and the truth Adam broke down on her. He stepped back, breaking the spell once and for all.

"Guess I just... want to walk with you guys a bit longer."

Adam turned his back on her. He was immensely relieved that he hadn't failed anyone- neither Ronan, nor Gansey - and for Blue, he hoped that she'll find a way to get over her raven boys flying to different skies. Maybe their paths were meant to meet again. He didn't know that and it didn't matter right now. He left the room, notes flying on his way. He knows enough about guilt and remorse to tell— it's never worth the cost.

"Adam !"

"Let's never talk about it again," he threw over his shoulder.

It was dangerous. It was shameful. He retreated upstairs, in Ronan's room and felt some kind of familiarity coming from the walls for the first time. Ronan wouldn't understand the relief in his behavior, he won't understand the apologies for almost messing up and he wouldn't have to. Because nothing happened. He felt like recovering after a long, tiring illness, like standing up after an eternity of falling. He felt worthier of the trust and infinite faith his friends had always put on him. The road is long but he's one step closer. 

_Excelsior,_ he thought. _Onwards and upwards._


End file.
